I am finally coming out as fortunate.
That took a while.
When Ricky Martin came out as gay, Frankie Boyle, a Glaswegian comedian I try to emulate cracked this joke:
That took a while Ricky. He was so deep inside the closet that he was bumming Mr Tumnus from Narnia.
Over the last few days, I have had fewer anxious days, fewer days of being depressed. That has exposed me, metaphorically, to a beautiful garden full of fragrant oriental Lilies. The only issue, its ridden with pollen and I am allergic to it.
Over the years, I had often suspected that I might actually be quite fortunate. The thought of accepting it fully felt tenous. I feared it would come in the way of my melancholy, forcing me to collapse the ecosystem I had built around it. (Music mostly, aversion to brunches, proclivity to a bar and a cultivated personality of a sarcastic miserable)
Over the last few weeks something remarkable happened. My close friend made me buy a table, curtains, gifted me skin care stuff and it had some effect from a life perspective. I ll tell you how it came to be:
Someone else took charge of my life for a weekend: I ranted to one of my closest friend, who also happens to live in the neighborhood about the Darth Vader-esque death grip of inertia. She showed up the next day, dragged me out of the house and took me shopping. She made me buy curtains, a study table, chair and place an order for a couch. She also delivered instructions on burning the existing set of curtains which I had to disregard owing to ownership issues. I was living, working, dining in an empty living room just adorned with a mattress till then. I was comfortable with it as far as my idea of comfort goes: Trade off between any action and will this really matter in about ten yrs 50 years narrative.
Best Self Help is when you enlist others to do it for you: Acquiring a study table, a couch and new curtains, unfortunately had a positive effect. It reaffirmed a cliche that sometime asking for help is the bravest thing you could do for yourself. The downside of self-help-ish cliches getting reaffirmed, is that despite lending comfort, they shatter the ever under-construction belief that you are something of a unique, extraordinary case and unprecedented measures need to be devised to offer any hope, if at all.
In my case all it took was a bloody study table that my friend made me buy.
Addition of a study table lent credibility to my room the same way three likes from my friends lends credibility to my tweets. It ain’t much, but enough to reinforce hope. The room’s new look made me feel things of a positive disposition. I latched on to that feeling tighter than a balding man enroute Turkey holding on hope.
The feeling, though not that unfamiliar wasn’t particularly comforting. It was like being handed a drug but not knowing where the vein was. I knew something was fucked when I woke up on a subsequent Monday morning and actually felt normal. I suddenly found momentum and I thought I might be over-speeding. It led me to do things I had not done in a long time. Like practicing for presentations, preparing for calls, having a quote on my white board which reads: '“Always bias for action” I had always winged it hitherto. My close friend also moonlights as my manager at work so it was again mostly her doing. Sitting on that table and taking notes, preparing a plan, writing a to-do list suddenly became non-annoying. I started enjoying the process.
Mind abhors vacuum. It demands to be full. With anxiety taking a well deserved personal time off, it has temporarily been substituted with a certain sense of calmness which can usually be observed when the dentist says, We can’t do root canal, you will need to have that tooth extracted.
Calmness comes with its own helpers. Gratitude is one of them I suppose. I have not met others as of yet, although I am promised, that I would, provided I don’t treat it like a promiscuous lover but a loyal partner. I went to for a walk in this beautiful park in my neighborhood. I let gratitude accompany me. I thought about my closest friends, some whom I have enlisted to pray for me because I had no faith in mine, some who look out for me like they have adopted me, some who won’t give up on me despite me offering very little in exchange and some who are more invested in my success and well being more than I myself would ever be. I thought about my parents who have nothing else to pray for but for me.
All the things I never even dreamt of were almost gifted to me without consideration for worthiness. Except of course for the things that I actually dreamt off. They are yet to arrive. The irony kind of makes it fun. Almost makes you a Schrödinger’s cat, except the cat is that state of mind. Happy and Sad at the same time, till forced to observed.
The incremental uptick in my emotional fortune made me realize how unsettling it is to live admitting that you are fortunate and that you are having fun. It’s even trickier when someone makes you realize you have been living someone else’s dream and were still unhappy. This shining light of self realization, I have traditionally not been a fan off. Light, though essential also keeps highlighting little flaws that you very well know exist. Like acne scars. That’s why I have never been a fan of light and mirrors. I have always found it offensive when people describe cold, overcast weather as ‘gloomy’.
I don’t know how long the anxiety hiatus lasts, but while it is away I am going to try my best to court calmness and caress gratitude. Also while it is away, I am going to have to come out and admit I have always been fortunate. When it goes, it goes, feeling won’t be new. But it’s important I come out of the closet.
Things that changed in the last few weeks: I now have a supplement routine: Creatine, Fish oil, Vit C + Zinc in the morning. Magnesium Glycinate at night. I also have a skin care routine. My close friend bought me a retinoid, rice face mask, sunscreen; all korean brands. I have a trainer who comes thrice a week and I finally bought a guitar which I hope to start getting lessons for. I eat Papaya and berries everyday.
This is the table that changed things a bit:
